


Ain't No Rest for the Deadpool

by MzyraJane



Category: Borderlands, Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6319150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MzyraJane/pseuds/MzyraJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool reminisces about his adventures on (and around) Pandora<br/>Chapter 1 has spoilers for the first Borderlands game, Chapter 2 will for the Pre-Sequel, Chapter 3 for Borderlands 2... Will probably end there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ain't No Rest for the Deadpool

You know, it's pretty weird when you first find out that you're probably never gonna really die. You don't know what the future's gonna be like, if everything's gonna go to shit and you'll wish more than anything that you _could_ \- even if death wasn't a total hotty, which she is, and I'm gonna get another piece of that one day.

 

Anyway, things have kind of gone to shit, but in like the best possible way.

See, I didn't fit in too well back in the 20th and 21st centuries. Too many _noble heroes_ making a merc look like a scumbag - except for the brief moments when they _needed_ a scumbag, but the rest of the time you were dog crap on their shiny, pristine shoes. So much for that, so much for the likes of ol' Captain America - the USA didn't last all that long in the grand scheme of things. 'Countries' lost relevance and the US was younger than many, though I guess you could blame it for what came to replace them - corporations. Massive, rich, greedy corporations. Humanity went into space and the _corporations_ claimed planets as their own.

As they got deeper into space though, things got less civilised, less _human_. Not all aliens are super-intelligent, some are pretty much like Earth animals, but less used to humans running around destroying their homes. They tend to get big. And _bitey_. But you can trust corporations to protect their valuable assets; the natural resources and the brainiacs - not about to let some rabid wildlife threaten those. And who did they go to?

Mercs. I was born in the wrong era, friends - _this_ is the life. Oh sure, many 'mercs' wind up with their guts decorating skag piles across the likes of Pandora, but they ain't Deadpool.

Pandora's beautiful, by the way. I wasn't there first - not even close - but what it had become by the time I did get there? Practically _made_ for me. Let me break it down a little for you - list of what most people would probably call my flaws? Violent, disfigured, 'crazy', morally dubious...

Violence is the way of life here. If you don't kill the wildlife, the wildlife will kill you. Ain't no Society for the Protection of skags or bullymongs - you got bullets to spare or a strong enough car, you take them _down_.

As for being disfigured, join the freaking club - half the ordinary population has been attacked by something at some point and probably barely escaped with their lives. I pass for handsome even _without_ the mask in some circles.

And as for crazy... it's not just the alien wildlife that do the damage. By the time I got to Pandora there were human bandits, so many bandits, who even call _themselves_ psychos. And that's not just to be cool - they will literally try to make pizza out of your face. I'm not sure if they actually know what pizza is, but to them it involves flaying. So yeah, I may have a history of voices in my head and vivid hallucinations, but I am not even in the top  _thousand_ crazy people on Pandora. 

And with all this shit, you may wonder what you're supposed to do if you don't have a weapon. Well, you _would_ die, but you will have a weapon. You will have ammo, hell you will even have money, because they are _everywhere_. Corporations practically sprinkling the planet with guns and ammo like fairy dust. Kick over a skagpile, you'll probably find a gun, or a clip, or a grenade. Chests full of the stuff - you can't even go to the freaking can without it backing up small arms. And the psychos aren't great at locking their safes, so there's always a little cash to be found if you pay attention. There's also corpses all over the place, but that comes with the territory.

Admittedly, for all that my flaws aren't so bad, technology has kinda caught up to my bonuses. If something doesn't properly kill you, you can just inject some red stuff and it'll heal you a bunch even if you don't have healing factor. And if something _does_ kill you and _if_ you are deemed either important or wealthy enough, they even have machines to practically _resurrect_ you. Still, I had the ability first. If you forget about Wolverine. Who remembers him now anyway? Back to _me_ on Pandora...

 

So Pandora is a wonderful little shit-hole after my own heart, but what actually got me there was the vault. Some corporation's brainiacs had figured out that there had been intelligent alien life on the planet and that there was a 'vault' somewhere down there. And what do you put in a vault? Money. Treasure. Super special and secret things. Music to my ears, and I was being paid to find it. Even if it _was_ just junk, I'd probably still be famous for finding it, good publicity for future jobs.

I wasn't the only one being paid, and whoever was doing the paying was clearly shady AF since we had no idea who they were, but since when was that a reason not to take a job? I would have ditched the other losers and done it on my own, but, well... There was this chick Lilith. Sexy, red hair, weird mutant powers, a 'siren'... She reminded me of someone. In a superficial way at least - this girl was probably the most bloodthirsty of the bunch. And there was this guy Mordecai, stick thin and always wore these goggles... kind of reminded me of a young, male Blind Al with a bird-obsession. We all got along, mostly. Not _Roland_ so much though. Reminded me too much of one of those broody superheroes, telling me to shut up. Also he was making eyes at Lilith, like she was going to go for him over me.

And there was one other thing that bound us together... you know, beyond a desire to get rich and/or famous. Near as soon as I arrived on the planet, started hallucinating this ethereal girl talking to me about the vault. Figured I was probably just having another breakdown or something, but it turned out we all had it! Not so crazy as everyone thought, huh?

 

The following few months would have made for a glorious blood-soaked montage. Infiltrating and eliminating bandit camps - sometimes the same ones, it was like those psychos spawned out of the ground. I don't know where they come from, they all seem to be dudes. Unless... No, I don't care if some of them _might_ be chicks, you're not paying me to look down any of those guys' pants. I don't think washing is even a concept for them. I'm just gonna save what little sanity I have left to me, and assume they have their own hidden resurrection machines.

Speaking of the ladies, that's probably one of my only complaints about Pandora: so _few_. I can probably list the ones we came across on one hand. There was Lilith, and the chick in our heads (if that even counts), that albino Atlas Commander (also a siren), _Tannis_ , that Mayor lady who'd lost half her face to a skag... Was that it? I might be forgetting some, but you get my point.

Now you might be thinking "Oh, but Deadpool, surely you scored with all of them anyway?" Well, I like the way you think, but... not so much. I think Lilith liked playing me and Roland off against each other, I never got beyond flirting. Trying to flirt with the hallucination chick who we thought might only exist through the Echo system was never gonna be massively fulfilling, and she seemed too... pure, kinda. Couldn't do it, it seemed weird. The Atlas commander _would_ have been pretty hot, if she hadn't been adamant on killing us all, kinda puts a damper on things. The mayor lady was too much of a tight-ass, no sense of humour, and her face looked worse than mine, though her bod was still pretty good from what I could see. Tannis... I can't reject a girl for being crazy, seems a bit hypocritical, but she was too busy dating her voice recorder at the time so... yeah. Worry not, though - I scored eventually, but Moxxi came later than the story I'm telling right now.

 

So yeah, killing the wildlife, bandits and Atlas goons before they could kill us. Did I explain Atlas? They were one of the corporations on the planet - they'd essentially ditched it as worthless before, but when word about the vault got out they came running back with their own army, sending the other corporation, Dahl, running for the hills. And only us, a rag-tag band of mercs, could fuck it all up for them.

Well, us and what was actually in the vault once we got there. To cut a long and bloody story short, we killed a bunch of monsters, bandits and a ruthless corporate army to help the more decent folk out and they, especially Tannis and the hallucination babe, helped us skip along the yellow brick road to the vault. And rewarded us with other junk too, because, y'know, mercenaries - or as they referred to us 'vault hunters'. Same diff.

We did get a little bit beaten to the punch though, by the Atlas Commander chick and some of her goons. She got impaled by a tentacle, and I ain't talking hentai style. _Turned out_ , when we were talking 'vault', we probably should have been thinking more along the lines of 'prison'. For a massive, gross, eldritch tentacle-y monster. Of course we killed it after a bit, and there were some weapons and ammo and shit to be found, because _of course there was, this is Pandora_ , but no heaps of gold or treasure or anything really, just disgusting monster carcass.

A bit anti-climactic really. I mean, we did find the vault and we did kill the monster, but after all the hype for treasure, who _really_ wants to go around bragging about that? I was getting nowhere with Lilith and Roland was pissing me off (maybe because he _was_ getting somewhere with Lilith), so as much fun as it had been with them, Brick and Mordecai, I went my own way. Plenty more psychos to kill, plenty more money to be made on your own.

So I walked off alone into the sunset... and then to the moon. I'll tell you that story too, if you get the beer and tacos.


End file.
